Sexiest Halloween Costume Finals
Okay it's time for the finals. It's Jen vs. Arielle for all the marbles. Winner gets $750.00 (in hats)....Let's get it on!
Switching To Digital TV
Somebody sent me this video last night which was perfect timing because the First Lady and I were just talking about it the other day. Honestly who still has a TV with an antenna? Certainly nobody under the age of 100. So good luck to all those old timers figuring out what to do when this switch happens. I bet 75% of them will just call it quits on life rather than try make it work. I mean trying to figure out cell phones and computers was bad enough.
- Thanks to Nick for the video
Inspirational Story of the Holiday Season: Indiana Inmates Have Sex in Jail
(photo courtesy of thesmokinggun.com)
BLOOMFIELD, Ind.—Three male and three female inmates at a southern Indiana jail face charges that they devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex. The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents. The men -- ages 44, 38 and 17 -- and the women -- ages 27, 26 and 21 -- crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block, a police affidavit said. One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block, the affidavit said. The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks, Sheriff Terry Pierce said Tuesday.
Well eat your heart out, Andy Dufrane. Now this is what I'm talking about. First of all, forget about banging her in jail, I’d go to jail to bang the chick in the upper left (see above). The rest of the cast frankly leaves a lot to be desired, but man – upper left is clearly Cell Block A “Smokeshow of the Month” material. I didn’t even think chicks that good-looking got arrested in the first place. Whatever the case, this story is inspiring on a number of levels. One, it shows that crime actually does pay. Two, it creates a new theory I call “Jail Theory” which states no matter how ugly a guy is, a girl will still bang them but only if they’re in jail together. That's powerful shit right there. And most importantly number 3, “nature finds a way”. This sheriff is an idiot if he thinks “increased security measures” will prevent this kind of thing from happening again in the future. It won’t. As long as men and women are in close proximity to each other, even in jail, they'll find a way to bang. It's beautiful, really. Anyway if you're looking for this year's inspirational story of the holiday season - look no further than the Greene County Jail.
Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher
DENVER - A Sheridan High School English teacher has been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting a male student more than once off campus. Melissa Snow, 27, posted $50,000 bond at the Denver City Jail Wednesday night after her arrest earlier in the day. She was arrested on two counts of sexual assault on a child by a person in a position of trust, one with a pattern of behavior... The school placed Snow on administrative leave Monday morning after a school employee reported the allegation... The sexual abuse allegedly happened off campus and was not related to a school activity or event... The high school is sending letters home to the parents and using an automatic phone dialing system to tell them about the arrest.
You can see how as the number of Teacher Sex Scandal >ahem< "victims"... piles up, these schools are refining their methods of handling the news. They're like a Defensive Coordinator adjusting at halftime after the other team's offense has racked up a bunch of points on them. For instance, calling it "sexual abuse"? That's a brilliant tactic there. You've got a much better chance to engender "sympathy" for the kid and demands that the teacher be brought to justice than if you say "she brought him to her house and blew him." And the robocall is a nice touch too. That way you can rightfully say you alerted all the parents to the... uh, "crisis"... without actually speaking to anyone, because every phone call would be two hours of the dads saying "Really? What exactly did she do to the kid? How many times? What does she look like?..."
Looks: You'd hit it. I love the jet black hair... blue-black, like Wonder Woman... and there's something about that crazy, aggressive look in her eyes that tells me I'd do whatever she told me to. Grade: B+.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: We really don't have a lot to go on. Nothing happened on school grounds, but "a school employee" snitched on her? I don't get it. But something in Melissa's eyes says "Let's videotape ourselves," so this grade could still improve. For now though it's Grade: D.
Intangibles: Her Chris Berman nickname is Melissa "Pure as the Driven" Snow. Grade: C.
Overall: C. Again, extra credit is available if more salacious details come out or if we found out Ms. Snow has a killer body or something.
The Spider Drawing From Yesterday Was Sold For 10 Grand on Ebay
EBAY - This fine piece of 7-legged spider by artist David Thorne is now for sale. It was originally used in a payment attempt for a bill, but was sadly refused. You can see the bill conversation here: David Thorne was later on kind enough to give the spider to me. You can see a screenshot of the evidence here:
However, this spider is driving me nuts. Also he's lacking a leg and thus is useless to me. I now offer you to buy this fine piece of spider for the original price set my the artist David Thorne himself. At $233.95 this should be considered a bargain for the original drawing in this Internet meme! Buy this spider and you will receive the original spider mail attachment as sent by author David Thorne.
I will donate some of the money for American Breast Cancer Foundation.
So that spider we posted yesterday got 10 grand on Ebay? Umm, what fucking planet am I on? Do you know how many shirts that I have to sell to make that much? How many jokes I need to crack? A fucking ton! Seriously I’m in the wrong fucking business. I’m sitting here like an idiot trying to grind out an honest living in the smut trade when I should be drawing shit and selling it on Ebay. Or at the very least putting cupcakes on t-shirts and selling them to idiots for 200 bucks a pop.
Just for the hell of it I decided to a draw the only thing I know how to draw. I’m obviously talking about my patented pirate dog. I’ve been perfecting this thing since elementary school. I learned it at my grandparent’s house in Florida when I was a kid and just stuck with it. It’s kind of like the Green Bay Packers power sweep. Make somebody stop it before you switch. Anyway if anybody is interested in purchasing the below piece of artwork drop me a line at email@example.com Price negotiable.
Guess That Ass
Slamball Defendant Stole Julie Donaldson Sex Tape from Court
Bostonherald.com - Officials say jailed slamball player Ivan Latimore swiped and stuffed down his pants the Sony Cyber-shot camera and memory card that allegedly contained sex videos and images of him and Channel 7 sports reporter Julie Donaldson from the courtroom during his battery case. “At some point during the proceedings, the defendant secreted the camera in his pants,” said Jake Wark, spokesman for the Suffolk District Attorney’s Office. “The camera was later recovered from his person during a search at the Barnstable House of Correction.” The camera is back at the court clerk’s office and Latimore could get more time behind bars for the alleged brazen theft. “It was a sleazy move, entirely in character,” Wark said.A source said Latimore had the camera “squirreled away in his underwear” when he arrived at the Barnstable jail and it was discovered during a “pat search.”
Listen this Slamballer is obviously an asshole. Anybody who beats a women deserves to get raped in prison. But I ain’t mad at him for trying to save his sex tape with Julie Donaldson. Listen some things are worth fighting/dying for and this is one of them. I mean if I was lucky enough to have footage of me banging Julie Donaldson or really any hot chick for that matter I would do whatever it takes to save it. If that means hiding it in my underwear than so be it. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? A couple extra years in prison? That’s a small price to pay to hold onto something as valuable as this. Bottomline is that there is no greater regret in life than breaking up with a hot chick and not having a sex tape to cherish the memory.
In any event, the fact that this guy got caught is a bad break for everybody. Bcause I'm pretty sure if he made it through security it probably would have been on youporn 10 minutes ago. This time we both lose Johnny.
Jean Claude Van Damme Was Set Up Like A MOFO
So apparently Jon Claude Van Damme has a new movie coming out and Newsweek conveniently sent some 22 year old piece of ass to interview him about it. Naturally the interview turned nasty when Van Damme started telling Sarah Ball about how he wanted her see her naked and how she should wear high heels to his premiere and how he'd put his seed in her afterwords, blah, blah, blah. But here is where the story gets crazy. The chick actually printed it and now everybody is talking about what an asshole Van Damme is! What the fuck? Everybody knows when Jon Claude hits on you it's off the record! It's just Van Damme being Van Damme. So it takes a real scumbag reporter to try and make a name for themselves at the expense of an icon like this. Seriously it's a sad day when JCVD can't even hit on a chick without seeing it in print. Sad day indeed.
PS - My favorite part of the interview is when Van Damme just randomly asks how old the chick is. "Are you 27 or 32?" What kind of guess is that? The only guy on the planet who picks those two numbers is Jon Claude Van Damme. I may start doing that at bars. Excuse me, are you 24 or 39?
There ' s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you'll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you'll have it. By doing this I'm giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ' ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I've done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don't regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ' m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ' t know. When is it?
I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
Manny vs. Moose: Who Ya Got?
NEW YORK -- Mike Mussina hinted for months that he might be pitching through a big league schedule for the final time, speaking openly about how nice it might be to spend his days at home in Pennsylvania with 20 wins in his back pocket. The Yankees right-hander is primed to follow through on those plans, reportedly planning to make his retirement official in an announcement planned for later this week.
The debate is already underway among baseball analysts as to where Mussina ranks among the all time greats or how he'll be remembered by Yankee fans or whether he belongs in the Hall of Fame. But to me, nothing happens in baseball that you can't relate to the Red Sox and Mussina's retirement is no exception. Eight years ago, in the winter after the 2000 season, Mussina was THE hot free agent on the market. Dan Duquette went to the winter meetings with his prime directive being to bring Moose to Boston or die trying. As it turned out, it was never even a contest. It was a time where almost no one wanted to join the Dysfunctional Family Circus Duquette was running in Boston and the New York bowled Mussina over with their offer. So Duquette famously threw everything he had into that winter's free agent consolation prize, Manny Ramirez.
So how did each do? After 8 seasons and almost a half a billion dollars paid out to the two guys, which team made out better? I couldn't easily findbreakdowns of Mussina and Manny's numbers with their respective teams, and I hate research, so I did a half assed crunching of numbers with the calculator on my cell phone and as well as I can press the buttons, here's what I think their totals came out to:
- Mussina: W-L: 123-72. .630, 4.30 ERA. Avg. record: 15.3-9 per season.
- Manny: .314 BA, 311 HR, 989 RBI. Avg. stats: .314, 38.9 HR, 123.6 per season.
It should noted too that during that time, Mussina got a reputation as being a bloodless, dispassionate drone who was always the first one to follow up a tough loss by pushing his teammates under the Fung Wa with a "I did my job..." And Manny was the consummate idiot savant fruit loop who would pull a nutty on his teammates every year with the regularity of the tide. So which team do you think made out better in the long run? Pick "1" for the Yankees with Moose and "10" for the Sox with Manny. I'm going with Manny. A couple of more years without a title and they'll be naming a curse after Mussina.
Reader Email: Is Holy Cross One of the Most Prestigious Schools in the Northeast?
I had never read nor heard of your poorly run blog until a friend sent it my way earlier this week because of your disgusting article about Ben Perron. Being an NCAA Div. 1 athlete and college student at one of the most prestigious schools in the northeast, I rarely have time to spend time reading trash like this, but with your article about my friend and former teammate Ben Perron, I found the time.
I would like to say first off that you disgust me. As an adult you find it entertaining to laugh at a kid's misfortune? Not only that, you make your living off of insulting someone (behind a computer screen) who is not yet old enough to buy lottery tickets, yet alone buy a beer? Grow up buddy. Not only do you have little to no decency (in making fun of a 17 year old in need of immediate medical attention), you have no idea and never will have any idea about the amount of effort and pain that goes with the sport of running. I will not bother to even attempt to explain the feeling of pain you get at the end of a 5k,8k,10k, etc. race.
You brag about your running a 5 mile race several years back and talk in detail about your athletic prowess. Just because you spent two years in high school on the JV baseball team, does not mean you are qualified as an athlete. Then again, I suppose (as is evident through your blog) that those 5-6 years that it took you to make it through junior college don't really make you able to write either.
Regardless of your poor writing skills, immaturity, and lack of athletic prowess the bottom line is that you need to leave Ben alone. In crawling to the finish he was in no way asking for attention. He had no knowledge that someone would take pictures or make a video of his misfortune and post it on the Internet. If anything, I'm sure Ben would like to forget this entire thing ever happened.
You should be ashamed of yourself, you're site is disgusting, and you can be sure that I will go out of my way to let everyone I know never to frequent your blog ever again.
St. John's HS '07
Holy Cross '11
That's it! I totally went to far this time. Now I'm fucked! Because Chris Bergan is going to go out of his way to tell everybody he knows not to read the Stool! Honestly I don't know how we'll survive without the Crusader Cross Country Community reading Barstool Sports. Like I said before. I'm totally and completely fucked! Read on.
Thank God for emails like this on post party days. Makes my life much easier. Read on.
Anyway onto the main question with this blog. Is Holy Cross "one of the Most Prestigious Schools in the Northeast"?
Vote 1 for yes and 10 for no
Just to Clarify....Gisele Isn't Allowed Near Brady When He's Rehabbing His Knee....At Night She Gets Plowed
I just read Jerry's blog from yesterday. And just to clarify Gisele isn't allowed to bother Tom when he's rehabbing his knee. But the second he's done in the gym she is at his beckon call ready to fuck. And that's how it should be for the 3 time Superbowl champion. Yeah, I know getting lovey dovey at the Butcher Shop in the South End is kind of gross, but my spies tell me the reason for this PDA is because he was quietly demanding that Gisele to blow him under the table. To quote the great Peter McNeeley "if you can't respect that then you have a big dump in your pants."
PS - Apparently Larry Izzo was at this dinner as well. Talk about a throw away sentence.
Wake Up with Elizabeth Banks
Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolspors.com