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December 31, 2008

The 2008 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup

According to one of those websites that lazy writers use to get quotes so they can sound learned, Henry Adams once said "A teacher affects eternity; she can never tell where her influence stops." Often in America... very, very often... that influence doesn't stop until it, and the teacher and the student, have gone all the way and she's being led away in cuffs. A couple of years ago I took the best and most accomplished of America's depraved, student-seducing, good looking female educators and put them in a batting order. I did so thinking there would never be enough of these predatory seductresses to ever do it again. But I was wrong. Way wrong. This year there were enough to fill ten rosters. But here are the true All Stars:

The 2008 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup

Leadoff: Teresa Engelbach, 22, Hillsborough, MO

Teresa was a substitute teacher who had sex with a 14 year old boy. That's exactly the kind of fearless recklessness I like at the top of the order. Someone who won't be intimidated by a little think like the fact that her boyfriend isn't through puberty yet sets the tone for the whole rest of the club.

The 2-hole: Autumn Lee Leathers, 24, Frostburg, MD

Her looks and accomplishments in the field of Student Seduction alone are enough to earn Autumn a spot in this lineup. But then she brings with her the best name for her profession since Champ Summers retired. Her boyfriend was 15 when he told police Ms. Leathers (chuckle) had sex with him at her home "repeatedly" over a span of three months.

Batting 3rd: Lisa Robyn Marinelli, 40, New Port Richey, FL

THE breakout performer of the '08 crop. When listing the All Time Sex Scandal greats, she definitely belongs in the conversation. In addition to her 16 year old boyfriend being spotted climbing out of Lisa's car with his pants undone, the lad got texts from her that said "How about a quickie tomorrow afternoon?" and "real men only need 20 minutes" making any guy who's seen this picture wonder what they'd do with the remaining 18 minutes.

Cleanup: Cynthia Horvath, 40, Volusia County, FL

I'm going to state the obvious, that Cynthia isn't the best looking woman in the heart of our lineup. Nice body (you have to appreciate the sheriffs cuffing her in the back so we get a look at the concealed weapons she's carrying) but I could do without the giant, Gerry Callahan billboard forehead. But Cyth has got the power and production to make this team go. She taught one of her 17 year old students at the Warner Christian Academy all the sinning parts of the Bible in parking lots outside WalMart and Publix, under bridges and the occasional hotel room. They even got caught once by a cop who let them go because... well, because it's Florida. The kicker in this story? Mrs. Horvath's boyfriend is friends with her son.

Batting 5th: Kelly Abdo, 27, Monroe, LA

The 5th spot is all about protecting the big bats ahead of you. I want a 5th hitter who's smart and isn't going to be an easy out, ever. Kelly not only cheated on her husband with one of her teenage students, she did her homework. The police found her hard drive full of searches for DNA evidence and how to remove it from crime scenes and clothing. Searches also were conducted on the following topics: sex laws between teachers and students under 18, registered sex offender, sex offender laws, subpoenaing text message records, and how long text messages are stored. They also found her DNA all over the kids bed and the front seat of his car where she did him with a house party full of his buddies looking on.

6th Spot: Jennifer Candida Gonzales, 32, Provo, UT

Jennifer brings exactly the kind of wanton recklessness you look for in the meat of your order. She was a middle school teacher who, along with her husband, took a 16 troubled student into their home as a foster child. The lad was suffering from "emotional, behavioral or attitudinal issues." So one day Mr. Gonzalez came home to find Jen mentoring the kid in the most responsible, nuturing way imaginable: by surrounding him in the basement with candles and scented oils and letting him feel her up.

Hitting 7th: Lisa Glide, 35, New Brunswick, NJ

I'll be honest with you, Lisa is here solely on the basis of her looks because her resume is a little thin. She's accused of having sex with one kid, who was 17 at the time, which isn't much of a track record, frankly. Lisa is the classic "potential" player, in the lineup because the scouts like her. I'm sorry to all those teachers who've produced tons of reckless sex with multiple kids, but are still rattling around the minors because they're not attractive enough. But no one said life was fair.

Batting 8th: Julie Pritchett, 34, Birmingham, AL

Julie is your classic overachiever. Not much in the way of looks, but all she does is put up the numbers. Between February and April, she slept with no fewer than EIGHT students between the ages of 15 and 19, most of whom were from her school's baseball team. Pritchett also was in charge of the team's booster club, The Diamond Dolls. Any chick who'll go to those lengths to help out the ballclub is the kind of clubhouse presence I want on my team.

Bottom of the Order: Amy Northcutt, 27, Modesto, CA

You know how you can just tell that Dustin Pedroia is Terry Francona's favorite? That a manager isn't supposed to have a favorite but sometimes you just can't help it? Well Amy is my favorite. The one I'd be playing cribbage with in the clubhouse. She's not batting last for me, she's my second leadoff hitter. I love everything about this chick. Her looks, the fact that she's married, and the reckless way she texted her 16 year old female student at the Turlock Christian School to arrange a 3-some with her and her husband. I'm a strong supporter of the Double Standard and think grown men have no business seducing underage girls, but you have to admit, that's magical even if Amy never pulled it off.

Off the Bench: Bikini Teacher Tiffany Shepard, 30, Port St. Lucie, FL

Tiffany isn't accused of actually having sex with students. But she did create a sensation by being a bikini model for hire on charter fishing tours, the logic being that drunken fishermen will pay more to fish and drink if they've got massive juggs to look at. And for her side job, Tiff got fired, causing a brief media circus. Due to the lack of any real sex in her sex scandal, for never getting out into the field so to speak, Tits McGee here is our pinch hitter.

Late Season Callup: Hope Jacoby, 23, Orange County, CA

Hope is a last minute addition to the lineup. She's the high school athletic trainer who last week got caught giving oral to one of the athletes and letting him take a camera phone picture of her in mid-blow. Her looks are unsurpassed, she's got the sluttiness to go down on a kid in the locker room and the bad judgement to record the incident. That is the stuff legends are made of.

Toughest Omission: Sandra Binkley, Portland, TN

Sandra has it all. Looks, a 17 year old boyfriend and such callous disregard for morality that she would have sex with the kid on school grounds during school hours. Unfortunately for her, you can only dress so many depraved teachers and someone has to get cut. But like Junior Seau and Rosie Colvin, she's one or two injuries away from getting a phone call.

Bench Coach: Abbiejane Swogger, 34, Harrison, PA

Abbiejane (nice name) is a former exotic dancer turned educator who performed the following sociological experiment: get a room at the Clarion Hotel, fill it with underage girls and boys, add some crack, weed and booze and see what ensues. To her shock and dismay, sex broke out. And as is so often the case, the kids involved were friends of her son. Putting an event like that together is exactly the kind of organizational skills a manager can rely on.

So that's it for 2008, a great year for Sex Scandal Teachers by any measure. But I'm confident '09 can be even better. Ma, wherever you hear about a teacher having sex with a kid, I'll be there. Whereever there's a schoolboy scoring with his friend's mom the teacher, I'll be there. When you read the kid referred to as "the victim," I'll be there. For as long as there are hot MILFs with their Masters in Eduction fumbling with one of their students in the front seat of their SUVs in a superstore parking lot, and degenerates who like reading about them... I'll be there. Happy New Year to educators everywhere. Now get busy.