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October 25, 2008

Scouting Reports on the Women of the NFL Network

You've got to hand it to the NFL Network, they know how to do it right. They've figured out that whether you're talking about a political candidate Ron Burgundy, or a sports reporter, anyone who can read a teleprompter can be on TV. So why not hire the best looking ones available. NFL Net is becoming the Fox News of all-sports channels, and they're to be lauded for it. Here are the scouting reports on their current roster of talent:

Michelle Beisner, Host of "Starting 11":

Scouting report: 5' 8", 34-25-35, according to her bio. Blonde hair, Blue-green eyes. Former Denver Broncos cheerleader. Top flight talent. Versatile as she appears to have successfully made the switch from Brunette to Blonde. Prospects: A smoking hot girlfriend for a superstar athlete.

Mary Strong, "NFL Network Now":

Scouting report: Former Div 1 volleyball player out of Loyola-Marymount. Long frame, good vertical, experienced veteran who's had success with FSN and GSN covering volleyball and poker. A solid Blonde in her prime. Prospects: Trophy Wife

Alex Flanagan, "NFL GameDay Morning":

Scouting report: All American looks. Came out of the U. of Arizona and is married to a former Sun Devils basketball player. A lot of experience working the college sidelines. Showed good ability to use her hands to fight off Steve Spurrier. Prospects: Sideline reporter in the NFL, fighting off Jerry Jones.

Lindsay Soto, "NFL Network Now":

Scouting report: By far the best upper body of this group. Excellent pad level. USC grad with a background in covering the WNBA. Strong all around performer whose only weakness is a penchant for getting her picture taken next to doofuses. Propsects: Cougar

Kara Henderson, "NFL Total Access":

Scouting report: Solid if a little undersized. Low center of gravity. Has plenty of big game experience with CNN and Fox Sports. Somewhat limited. A role player who can be effective as the short, perky, dark-haired platonic female friend. Prospects: Hookup after a marathon Beer Pong game.